Difficult conversations don’t have to become confrontations. Listening, curiosity and knowing when to walk away can make all the difference

Have you ever found yourself in a conversation where you suddenly realize you really don’t want to say what you think?

Politics, public policy and social issues can do that. Someone offers an opinion. Someone else pushes back. Before long, everyone seems to be choosing sides and you’re wondering whether saying anything at all is worth the trouble.

Here’s something worth remembering: You don’t have to join every argument you’re invited to. Sometimes silence really is golden.

But avoiding every difficult conversation isn’t the answer either. It is possible to disagree without ending up in a conflict. The trick is learning how to say what you think without treating the person across from you like an opponent.

If emotions are running high, you don’t know enough about the subject or you sense that nobody is particularly interested in listening, there may be little to gain by adding another opinion to the mix. You can say, “I haven’t looked into that enough to have a strong opinion.” Or simply, “I’d rather not get into that right now.”

That isn’t necessarily conflict avoidance. Sometimes it’s just good judgment and knowing where to draw a line.

But what if you do want to participate?

Before jumping in, ask yourself a simple question: What am I hoping to accomplish here?

Do you genuinely want to understand the other person? Do you want them to understand you? Are you hoping to change their mind? Or has something they said simply pushed one of your buttons?

It helps to know why you’re getting into the conversation in the first place. If all you really want to do is prove the other person wrong, chances are you’re heading toward an argument.

Then comes the part many of us struggle with: listening.

When someone says something we strongly disagree with, it’s easy to stop listening and start preparing our response. We may look like we’re paying attention, but inside our heads we’re already building the rebuttal.

Try getting curious instead.

Ask, “How did you come to that conclusion?” Or, “What concerns you most about this?”

You might be surprised by the answer.

People’s opinions are shaped by their experiences, values and the information they trust. Finding out how someone arrived at a belief doesn’t mean you have to agree with it.

Arguments tend to heat up when we stop trying to understand and start trying to prove the other person wrong. You can listen carefully to someone’s reasoning and still say, “I see it differently.”

It also helps to assume the other person is acting in good faith unless they give you reason to think otherwise. Someone who disagrees with you isn’t automatically foolish, uninformed or a bad person. And neither are you for disagreeing with them. It’s OK to disagree.

When it’s your turn to speak, be assertive rather than aggressive. There’s a difference. Being assertive means saying what you think while leaving room for someone else to think differently.

Phrases such as “I think,” “My understanding is,” and “I see it differently” let you make your point without telling the other person what they should think.

Compare that with “You always,” “You people” or “You obviously don’t understand.”

Which conversation would you rather be part of?

Once a disagreement becomes personal, though, it’s much harder to have a useful conversation. Challenge the idea if you need to, but try not to attack the person expressing it.

It also helps to find something you agree on. You might disagree completely about how a problem should be solved while agreeing that it needs attention. Even a little common ground can remind you that disagreeing doesn’t automatically put you on opposing teams.

And you don’t have to settle every disagreement or convince the other person to see things your way. They don’t have to convince you either. Two reasonable, informed people can look at the same information and still disagree about what it means or what should be done about it.

Sometimes a perfectly good outcome is, “I understand why you think that. I still disagree.”

Then there are conversations that simply aren’t going anywhere.

If someone starts insulting you, continually interrupts, keeps repeating the same argument or has no interest in hearing what you have to say, give yourself permission to stop.

“I think we’ve probably taken this as far as we can” can be one of the most useful sentences in your conflict-management toolkit.

Walking away from an argument that is going nowhere isn’t losing. Sometimes knowing when to stop is just as important as knowing what to say.

Ultimately, disagreement itself isn’t the problem. Things go wrong when it becomes personal and the goal changes from exchanging ideas to beating the other person.

You won’t always change the other person’s mind. They probably won’t always change yours. And maybe that shouldn’t be the goal.

If you can walk away from a difficult conversation having listened carefully, said what you think respectfully and allowed another person to disagree with you, you may not have won the argument. But you probably had a much better conversation.

Faith Wood is a professional speaker, author, and certified professional behaviour analyst. Before her career in speaking and writing, she served in law enforcement, which gave her a unique perspective on human behaviour and motivations. Faith is also known for her work as a novelist, with a focus on thrillers and suspense. Her background in law enforcement and understanding of human behaviour often play a significant role in her writing.